It’s been about 3 months since we moved into a new place. Moving is tough. You’ll miss the familiarity, the neighbourhood, the warmth feeling of being home. It is as if you are leaving a part of your soul behind. When you close your eyes you will still remember each and every corner of the old place. Lil N still asked when we are going back there, i guess he missed it most because he grew up there.
We were saying goodbye to a family friend who are leaving for good yesterday. Upon seeing their empty house, i can’t help but feeling sad. The kids still played happily and they were saying good bye as if they will meet again tomorrow. As their cab took off, they took a part of my heart away with them. This episode happened too many times in the past years, many of our good friends left Singapore for good. I still ask myself when we will meet again, whether we will go back to the same old place, whether things will ever be the same again. I just miss the familiarity and the feeling of being home. I guess i miss it most because i grow up with these lovely people, especially in my journey to be a better mom.
Writing has been my defense and coping mechanism. So, here I am, in the midst of soul searching while being hurt and lost. I keep on thinking on my identity these past few months that I am pretty sure I am experiencing puberty the second time. Maybe it’s prompted by the thought of turning 30 this year. Heee.. yeah, time sure flies.
It seems easy for other people to form their identity. Sewing moms, baking moms, homeschooling moms (or moms in general), worker of a particular company, teacher, musician, painter, etc. I believe I am in not a particular category and I am not that impressive for people to remember. It’s hard not being somewhere, without any label on your forehead.
I thought I can be cool about that. But perhaps I am only human. I keep asking this question, “who am I?”
Few months ago I went to a salon to get my eyebrow shaped. The stylist mentioned to me in serious manner. “There is something wrong with your eyebrow.” Huh? “You should get it tattooed, because it’s only half.” I defended that I can always draw the eyebrow, no problem (if I have the time to. haha) The stylist added in a more serious tone. “Nope, it’s not about drawing it. People with half eyebrow, like yours, will always receive half-hearted gestures. I bet you are the kind of person who give your all but people tend to be unappreciative of what you have done. People tend to forget you.” So there I have my first eyebrow reading.🙂
When I am down, I thought about what this stylist told me and a little part of me believe in it. It is true. Maybe I am that person. I am that person that people always forget.
But I am okay with it, as long as I have done my best in my short life on earth, because I know that GOD will never forget. I am God’s beloved daughter and will always be, that’s another identity that I will always remember in my heart.
Have I told you how I hate it when lil n started whining? It really pushes my button and I can get crazy just from his whining. I hate seeing lil n demonstrating it each and everyday. I wonder where he got it from and why he would do that to me. It’s so irritating, that on some days I would just sit there and feel pitiful about myself. Why me, God, why me? Please give me cheerful and funny kiddos only, please oh please … whinewhinewhineandwhinesomemore. (God is so funny sometimes! lol)
Today, lil n was joyfully tidying up his toys. He was proud when the living room (also their playroom) was so clean and tidy. He showed off to his papa and me. Being a petty momma, I pointed out a pair of socks that he casually put on the table. I asked him to put them in the laundry basket, then I went to do some other things.
Suddenly, he came back all crying and whinny. I started to feel heat and anger stirred up inside of me. Here were some hints that I gathered from his whining (I am a master of Whinology): “Wrong place, socks, rubbish bin, now it’s gone.” Evil me already thought: “Hahaha. If you keep on crying then it will be gone forever with the rubbish.”
However, the sane momma in me do the SOP of whine correction.
“Can you tell it to me nicely?”
“You know I can help you. But I will only help you if you say it nicely.”
He started to get to his senses after sometime.
“Mama. Please. Help me.” He was still sobbing.
“Yes, dear? What it is?” I answered with fierce tone.
“I.. I threw.. the socks.. into rubbish bin..” Suddenly he burst out laughing hearing himself. I laughed too. It sounded so, so silly.
Sometimes through his whining I can see myself, the reflection of me even until today. Today I (and lil n too i hope!) learn that:
– Whining delays help that you’re going to get
– Whining makes people (me!) angry
– Some things are not worth whining about!
– Some mistakes can be funny!
I am on a mission to be a more joyful momma and to teach the kiddos to be more joyful this year. Good bye, whinny monsters!
on the other note :
My dear lil n, mama sometimes can be so silly, too, to throw the chicken meat and keep the bones when preparing our meal. However, thankfully some things can be cleaned off and we can start anew.
But do keep in mind my lil n dear, there are things that are too precious to be casually thrown away, even though you don’t meant it. That’s why we must be vigilant as always, remembering our purpose in life and be mindful of our actions, so we do not fall into sin.
This remind me of a verse : “So if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you do not fall!” From 1 Cor 10.
Looking through the window from the 32nd storey of my office building around CBD area, I can see a beautiful city. I can see a seabed of buildings, some are condo, but most of them are HDBs. Those buildings did not even exist 50 years ago but now, most of Singapore citizens can have a home to live in.
The city is indeed a successful product of planning n execution. It is beyond words for someone to be able to amazingly plan and closely oversee the execution in creating such a wonderful work.
Just thinking about how the city was developed and how its residents have a better life because of the transformation, makes me understand why there are so many people willing to give tribute to the leader who has build the country. Even though some of them have difficulty to stand or walk, they still try to come to give their tribute, a final farewell.
Despite all the negative news about him and his leadership style, who can say that he did not built a great country? Who can say that if it was done differently, Singapore will be a better country now? Who can say that he had not done what he should have done?
He had done his best. He had successfully planned and lead a country, from an underdeveloped country to be one of the most successful developed countries in just 50 years.
He was one of the greatest leaders ever lived and I give my tribute to him that my family and I can enjoy, live and benefit from his hardwork.
-Full of unexpected surprises and unexpected blessings.
-Few farewells to a couple of dear people, missing them soooo much. God blesses us with friends who stay and courage to make new ones.
-Took a leap of faith to make few major changes in our lives, to stand up for our conviction, come what may.🙂